An illustrated guide to lazy parenting

You and I both know it, there’s a lot of pressure on parents–from where I sit, more so on mums. Though dads are free to disagree there seems to a higher expectation of mums to be…perfect while dads are free to do their level best. These expectations may vary depending on what circles you run in. They may even conflict!

You must breastfeed for at least six months if for some legitimate reason you can’t make it all the way to two years or beyond. Should you choose to bottle feed you will be judged and your decision will be given a rating out of ten by other women who will decide if you had the right to do so. On the flip side, if you choose to breastfeed you may find yourself being told how much easier it is to bottle feed.

Sleep while your baby sleeps because the dishes will still be there when you wake up, but make sure the kitchen’s clean and the dinner is cooked by the time your husband gets home because that’s your job.

This one is particularly close to my heart–if you have a clingy baby don’t dare put them down because a screaming baby is a sure sign of a failing mother. While I’m at it you will have perfect angel children who would never dare throw a tantrum in public. Should their halo slip you will know the exact right thing to do or say to keep it in hand. If you don’t, you run the risk of clicking tongues, shaking heads, judgmental looks and suggestions that you should a) smack them b) ignore them c) leave d) give in in order to defuse the situation.

Did I mention that, while you’re hands free breastfeeding your baby worn infant, feeding the older ones home made, organic meals and snacks you will also be keeping a perfect house. Oh, you probably should have a hobby like scrapbooking because you don’t want to run the risk that people might see your memories in one of those nasty commercial jobbies, you might also like to make all your kids clothes using lovely (read expensive) designer fabrics.

You will feel pressure to have perfect children who sleep through the night from an early age, they’ll make friends easily, do well in school and if they do put a foot out of line it’ll be something minor that you can laugh about with your girlfriends. Your perfect children and household will be a reflection on you, when they achieve it’s proof that you’re a good mother, if they don’t the reverse is also true.

The worst of it is that this pressure is at the hands of other mothers. Women who really should know better because even Bree Van de Kamp’s kids fell apart behind closed doors.