It’s the little things that get you, not the clothes or the toys because you expect them. Seeing the place she slept stirs a twinge in your heart, but it’s the little things because they’re unexpected.

The empty popper from the juice she drank while we were at the doctors surgery. She loves poppers, I’ve never seen a 14 month old drink like that from a straw before–is that a function of her mothers neglect? Did she have to learn to eat and drink from whatever was put before her in case that was it?

It’s the safety gate that I’d forgotten about, arriving at dinner time yesterday. The driver saying in an offhand, natural sort of way “for the baby?” “Yes” I replied while my mind screamed something else. That gate was bought because one baby getting into mischief in the kitchen is one thing, two is a whole other mess.

There are no guarantees with the law. We can be confident, certain even, that she’ll be returned only to have her left in the care of a selfish so called mother. Regardless of the outcome it’s still going to cost us a fortune, but we’ll find it somehow. I don’t know how, but we will. She deserves to know how much her family ache for her and how loved she is.

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It was Abi’s birthday yesterday. She’s one, already.

In a lot of ways the past twelve months have been incredibly long and full–not necessarily full of good things either–but in a lot of other ways the past year has passed in a flash. There are so many little things I hope to never forget and others that I definitely wont, here are just a few.

1. The way her feet curled upwards so that she could nearly touch her shins with her toes.
2. That first night that she spent with me (after all the good drugs had worn off) nestled in the crook of my arm with her tiny eyes gently closed.
3. I couldn’t believe how little she was. I knew the numbers, but a 2kg baby seemed bigger in my head.
4. How little she looked like Erin.
5. They way she wouldn’t sleep during those first three months unless I held her.
6. The crying. Oh my god the crying that would not stop.
7. Her hair! There’s just so much of it! I’m resisting getting it cut but it’s coming because of how ratty it is at the back.
8. How, on very rare occasions, she’d fall asleep during nappy off time and sleep soundly until she weed.
9. The way her eyes light up when Erin comes home.
10. How serious she looks when she talks to you in baby language.

There are so many other things I look back at and think fondly of–even the way you clung to me in those first three months when, at the time, I thought I was going to loose my mind. Now I’m grateful for them. It’s something I missed out on with Erin, this tiny bundle nestled against my chest. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so needed. It was hard at the time–incredibly so–but now it’s something that we’ve shared that I’ve never had with another being.

In some ways I want the world to stop, just to let me breathe and take everything in, but in others I can’t wait to see what the next year will bring.

Happy birthday Abi, mama loves you very much.